BOOK I: sCRamBLeD sCRaBBLe

Everyone has a zahir, everything has a form, as for me I found both of them.

“once we have come into contact with them or it, gradually occupies our every thought, until we can think of nothing else.”

Crazy as it seems, I can’t accept that something can occupy a mind, my mind, unless I have a pea brain or it’s just really really too HUGE to follow. Well the latter seems to be much more pleasing. However, I’m still doubtful about it, everything has a reason, everything is conditional, everything is logical, fathomable. Not until I noticed you. And that’s how my zahir slowly created it’s form…

BOOK I: sCRamBLeD sCRaBBLe

It happened on a sunny day, someone raised

“who would be playing for scrabble?”

Thinking I would be a better candidate, I gladly volunteered in which no one motioned for a second choice. So it was decided. The venue is on the center stage of the university, It was an organization day so everyone was busy, or somewhat busy. I was scheduled a match versus a third year. During the match however someone is pissingly coaching in which I don’t really need. A smart aleck so he think. Of course I was giving hints that it’s really not necessary and what he’s doing is really bad for his health…ow bad coaching rather. So eventually he was out of view. When the match was over, I won, I approached a circle who’s playing word factory, and then there was this guy who “humbly” said that “augh I mental blacked!”. Wow na mental black pa xa ato unya 17 iyang score. One of my eyebrows gave a note.

The competition is not over yet, championship is up for grabs.

Fourth year vs. Second year (me). As we came face to face with our opponent I vividly remembered that face! The “humble” smart aleck guy but it was not hate that flowed in me, it was a sense of insecurity. I now this guy is tough to beat, so overflowing with confidence showing off those pretty smiles.. hmp the match started, as expected it was tough, they have smart words and smart moves, scored double, triple. I on the other hand, I mean me and my partner on the other hand never let loose, we also gave them strategy to match, it was kinda thorny for me because I don’t know why fate is giving me those 1 point tiles only! Tense and determined this game is working my brains up! It really pays to have worthy opponents. During the match though we have little conversations, he was not really that bad afterall, he was cool, and I’ve known his name.

There was this moment where I can’t really put my tiles down, I was searching for options, ofcourse I don’t want a score lower than 10! So it maybe took me 10 min just to spread my tiles, and it was really okay for them, they even said. “okay ra nah, maski magabi-e pa ta dre :D”

After the match, we shook hands, and instantly become some sort of “friends”, exchange smiles and camaraderie. They won by the way. While we were walking he showed a picture of him and Raymond Marasigan and said “kinsay gwapo”?. I think he brough this up because I said he look like him. My answer was…hmmm Raymond really look weird under those eyeliners and crazy hair,so I go for “hmm ikaw nalang”..haha that was really childish. And we bid each other goodbye.

BOOK II: Thinking of you…

BOOK II: Thinking of you…

Of course after that I didn’t up just by the thought of him. What do you think of me? Thinking of you?... It’s not like drugs.

I just never thought that someday you would become a part inside my clattered thoughts…

Organization days are like magic, you go down the hall and feel that you already know everybody, you can exchange high fives just by anyone, you smile at anyone. After the day is over, everything goes back to normal, the paper works, exams, reports and the people you see in the hallway are now strangers. Strangely enough it surprised me when you said…“hi”.

Hmm so we are now strangers no more to each other, I guess org. days have it’s own magic…Anyway later I know he was kinda popular, that he was the champion of the quiz bowl, that he was what he was…haha (lost of words) not until my friend said “naa bay gwapo sa engineering?”

“naa ba? Murag wla man ata…haha”

“hmm murag naa oi si…”

And the rest was history, from that day on, I’ve decided to brand him as “gwapo” but I didn’t forgot that he was smart…for the sake of having a crush I considered his beauty but it was really his brain. After giving him the title as official crush, I started to look for him on the entrance, the stairs, hall way, faculty, canteen, in the fields, or even in the malls because of the shear happiness that it brings in my day. Just like sunlight. Naks! Even without effort I’ve memorize your schedule.

One time, as me and my friends were just strolling the mall, I’ve seen you from that far, you were heading the opposite way. So I signaled my friend that you are the one I’m talking about. As our paths cross, there was no hi, no wave or nod. It’s always like that no signs of reckoning when we are surrounded with friends. But I’m not fretting, the feeling is mutual. Anyway, as we crossed paths, few steps and I turned back to watch you stride away but to my surprise you were also staring back.

My favorite parts maybe was even when I’m not looking for you, as if a flash of instinct telling me to look ahead and it never fails our eyes always met. Just like the lyrics

“out of the corner of my eye will be the only way you’re looking at me then..”

You were taking turns inside my dreams too. Occupying it. But I don’t mind, haha.

My spare time was also spend imagining conversations, funny talk, day dreaming and when I caught myself I have to stop myself from saying something that I should’ve never thought. I’ve learned to link you in every song or lyrics, characters in books and see you in the artist I like. It’s more of they look like you rather than you look like them.

Inevitably the day always end, darkness fall, and stars alight and twinkle. I walked home. Everyday routine. Maybe I’ll dream of you tonight, tomorrow I’ll see you again and it didn’t occurred to me before, something stirred inside me, I’ve realized I won’t be seeing you again, you were graduating soon.

BOOK III: FOR 4 Years

BOOK III: FOR 4 Years

First day of school. As I step at the university gate, It’s not the same anymore. I know I won’t be walking down the hall expecting to bump into you, I won’t be taking detours again just so I won’t pass infront of you, I won’t be crazy anymore. The classrooms are now a classroom just full of students, the hallways are just hallways with busy students, and org. days are now only part of a warm sunny day.

You didn’t became my life, but you became a habit. A special habit. Like a catalyst in chemistry and an add mixture in concrete. A habit that makes everyday tasteful, colorful, exciting, and somewhat heart pounding. Makes you jiggle with happiness and clap with pure smiles. It was “watching you is the only drug I need”.

Hey soul sister!

Every day was a song.

And for four years…..

4 years have passed. Naturally of course I survived. I have friends, gain friends, made friends, laugh a little, laugh a lot, passed exams, failed exams, studied hard, played around, and be alive. Some people say they need love, well oxygen is more important.

But there’s something in habits that’s hard to incinerate. Some people know a little and many people didn’t know a lot.

Many people didn’t know that you called me “scrabble princess”.

Many people didn’t know that I’ve tried to searched you in friendster.

Many people didn’t know that I created an anonymous account and viewed you. Strangely you leave a testimonial on my page…stated ”huh?”…you’re maybe referring to my shout out at that time, “the world isn’t at my side always”….soon enough we were conversing. I added you as a friend and to my surprise you accepted the invitation despite the fact that you only accept people you really know. I was the exception. I was glad. Thank you. It became another habit. I anticipated your replies with tight lungs and a happy heart. You’re sending smileys. You we’re so nice…I started to become uncomfortable. Your unintentional kindness grip me with incrimination, I don’t deserve it. I seem like a liar. You don’t know me and you treated me like a friend. I don’t deserve all that. And I don’t have plans on revealing my identity either. I start to think I’m bothering you. It made me realize why did I started this on the first place. I was being busy and the replies are gradually fading, until it stop. You stopped. I decided to send you a thank you message and a goodbye. You’re kind enough to say if I insist on becoming friends I can contact you on your number. You gave me your number. I didn’t know what to do, but I was happy. The first message I sent you was “good morning” and you replied “good morning ^___^”. It’s funny everytime I sent you a message I double checked, recheck, scan if everything was good and don’t seem dumb. You’re so good in english that it’s so intimidating.

Many people didn’t know that you told me I’m a psychic but I was only just guessing at that time that you are an introvert.

Many people didn’t know that I reloaded just so that I can text you. I always send jokes thinking that it’s better to imagine you smiling than just reading. You were sending jokes too and I read your texts over and over and over, again and again. Save as pa tanan…haha aw but as always everything has an expiration date. Suddenly we stop texting.

Many people didn’t know that I was happy when I saw you one day visiting the university. You’re in pink.

Many people didn’t know that I saw you the day after my 20^th birthday, November 25 at a barbeque house. I’m with my bestfriend at that time. I would never forgot how I felt when I saw you! You are with your family, you’re skinny and grown some hair, I’m not sure if it were really you but instinct told me. I’m so restless and needs air. I feel like I was running, thumping, beating. Then I felt a hand brushed my shoulders and there was you! Standing at my back! I just didn’t know what to do and just greeted you and said whatever greeting and tried to be sane. My mind was spinning. I feel like shouting! Of course our conversation was so short lived. He has something to get on their car I think or I don’t know anymore he just gave me best regards or something. Of course he didn’t know I was “friend”, he just maybe recognized me because of familiarity. That night I was thanking God for that meeting, saying “God you gave me the best belated gift! Thank you. Thank you! Thank YOUUU!!!”

What many people didn’t know is that I’m a reader. I’m a reader of your blogs. You’re so good, in writing, in words that it captures me. Really from a none bias view, you are very good.

Many people didn’t know that you have a blog that is also near as same as what I have written at my journal. We similarly feel hollow and apathetic at the same day written down to our notes.

Also many people didn’t know that you liked someone else. *stabbed*. Of course I’m alright, why wouldn’t I? x.x He talks of her on his blog, that girl has a very long long long tangled hair. (I bet You are too, This blog is kinda long, and it talks ALL about you. Be grateful. haha).

And many people didn’t know that I’ve tried to searched you again this time on facebook. From the encouragement of a friend I tried to add you. This time not as anonymous but as me. The result was, rejected. X.x double dead. One week passed and you didn’t accept my invite. There’s no need for further agony, if he really know me, he would have accepted it when he was also changing his prof pic. Anyway I got my answer.

For 4 long years, you are prospect zero, because after you graduated I tried to find substitute, they run from prospect 1, 2, 2.5, 3, and 4. They got nothing on you baby, nothing on you…(^__^) and Four years is long enough, in alchemist by Paulo Coelho, it was that omens show themselves for 2 years as guides for your destiny…after that they will gradually fade until you lose your chance at your destiny. Anyway I’m fed up by signs! My college life is full of them, highway signs, road signs, positive and negative sign they are all over. And after 4 years, 1460 days, and 4 years divided 50+(20/sin 40)-120x(1140 tan 50/r sin 67) where r is the derivative of sincos35/tan 45, that’s how many days you became part of my destiny, and now I want to spill it over because of its density.